Another area to focus on hopefully, before you get married is role expectations.  Now, if you are married and haven’t addressed this issue . . . it’s never too late, do it now! 

I have to digress at this point for a moment.  First of all; my belief is that working through any challenging issue is much easier with prayer and being open to listening to God’s direction.  Without that, it is very easy for our humanly prejudices, selfish desires and hang-ups to get in our way.  Secondly, relationships . . . especially, marriage relationships, are all about communication.  You don’t have to have every issue or difficult subject in your relationship resolved  . . . many, never will be.  The thing is, to keep the communication lines open.  To be able to talk about the issues . . . you know what they say . . . it’s not as much about the destination as it is about the journey.  The journey is sharing with your mate when there are issues that need to be discussed and . . . being open and not defensive about discussing issues when your mate suggests to you that there are some issues that need to be discussed as well.

OK, back to role expectations.  I was born in the fifties, and my parents were pretty stereotypical for that era; my dad was the bread-winner, and my mom, a stay-at home housewife and mother.  I married Kris, a wonderful woman who is a real “doer” . . . an entrepreneur.  She tried doing being a stay at home person and it nearly killed her . . . it simply was not who she is.  You see,  in her family of origin (in English that means the family you grew up with  . . . or the family that most influenced you in your formative years) her father was the bread-winner and her mother stayed at home with the kids and attended college . . . at least while her children were small.  Once the kids were all in school, Kris’ mom joined the professional world where she flourished until she retired.  My point is that Kris’ and my families of origin and the role of our fathers was similar . . . so in that way, I was good to go.  On the other hand, the role of a wife in my mind was different from what Kris grew up with and the definition of what a wife did in her mind (in her family).  This didn’t mean that Kris’ viewpoint was wrong; it simply meant that it was different from mine.

Kris and I had to sit down and discuss what each of us expected the role of the other to be in our marriage.  You know, it’s easy for us to view what we grew up with as “the way things should be” and view any other perspective as “wrong”.  If we give in to that kind of thinking, chances are, discussions about role expectations probably won’t go very well . . . if they happen at all! 

I have a few suggestions for you:  1.) Commit to working through any of these kinds of issues with your mate . . .  or soon to be mate . . . with an open mind.  2).  Learn from what your family of origin gave you . . . but don’t hold on to it too tightly.  3.)  Having done 1 and 2, commit to prayerfully and openly exploring possibilities with your mate as to how you will allow God to craft your unique relationship and what each of your roles in your relationship will be.

Here is a brief construct for you and your mate to work through.  Answer these questions and then discuss them . . . with extra attention on the ones you answered differently:

• I believe that it makes sense that the husband be the primary bread-winner?
• I believe that it makes sense for  the husband and wife to both work?
• Whose responsibility do you believe it is to keep the house or apartment clean?
• Whose responsibility is it to fix dinner in the evenings?
• When children join the family who’s responsibility is it to care for them . . .  feeding them, changing their diapers, etc?
• When children are part of the family, will the kids will go to daycare or a baby sitter so that both, mom and dad can continue to work?
• When the children are of school age, who’s responsibility will it be to shuttle them to after school activities; scouts, soccer practice, piano lessons, etc?

These should “prime the pump” and get you going.  Now, go and have some meaningful conversations!